Lindi, a legal professional, is a caring, hands-on mother. Her intention is clear: to raise her son with love and care. Late one evening, when her three-year-old threw a tantrum, refusing to go to bed and starting to cry, she immediately became hyper-anxious. She started yelling at her son, but caught herself after a few seconds.
This time, something different happened. She paused, took a deep breath, observed the situation with fresh eyes, and noticed what was happening inside her. Instead of reacting automatically, she checked in and realised something powerful: She was linking her son’s tantrum to her failure as a mother.
But the truth is, sometimes children cry, especially when tired, and it has nothing to do with how loving we are.
This shift didn’t happen by accident. It occurred because Lindi had been practising a method called NIS: Notice, Investigate with Curiosity, and Self-Kindness, in coaching.
Here’s how it works:
Without NIS, Lindi’s good intention to be a loving mother could have led her in the opposite direction. Her son’s tears would have triggered feelings of guilt and shame. Shame would have caused her to react, freaking out, losing her temper, pulling away.
The result? Precisely what she didn’t want: disconnection, guilt, and even more self-blame.
Intentions alone do not create the outcomes we want.
When we operate on autopilot, we keep spinning on the same old hamster wheel. Fast, faster, and even faster, but going nowhere slowly.
This is why it matters.
NIS breaks this cycle.
- Noticing stops you mid-spin. It interrupts the old, automatic, default behaviour pattern.
- Investigating with Curiosity helps you access a neutral state that allows you to understand what’s happening in the present moment and on the inside.
- Self-Kindness lets you step off the hamster wheel without beating yourself up.
It’s simple, but it’s not easy.
It takes practice.
It takes willingness to stop and breathe, even ten, a hundred, a thousand times a day, to check in instead of checking out.
Viktor Frankl put it plainly: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response.”
Without that pause, we are just reacting, driven by old fears, old stories, and old habits.
Intentions alone don’t create desired outcomes. Mindful choices do.
When we master that pause, we move from intention to deliberate choice.
And that’s where real change begins.
If you’re noticing that you’re working hard but still spinning your wheels, that’s your sign.
What self-observation actually is
Self-observation is the practice of watching your own inner experience — thoughts, feelings, body sensations, impulses — without immediately acting on them or judging them. It is not over-thinking, and it is not self-criticism. It is the opposite: a calm, curious noticing that opens a small gap between what happens and how you respond. In that gap, Lindi found a choice she did not know she had.
Most of us run on autopilot far more than we realise. Old patterns fire before we have consciously decided anything — the sharp reply, the second-guess, the urge to fix or flee. Good intentions cannot reach those moments, because the reaction is already underway. Self-observation is what brings them back under conscious control.
Why good intentions are not enough
Intentions live in the part of us that plans and hopes. Behaviour, under pressure, comes from a much older and faster part that is trying to keep us safe. That is why you can fully intend to stay calm and still snap — the intention never had a chance to weigh in. Self-observation closes that gap by slowing the moment down enough for your intention and your action to finally meet.
How to practise self-observation this week
- Pick one recurring trigger — a meeting, your inbox, a particular person, bedtime with a tired toddler.
- When it arrives, name what you notice inside: tight chest, rising heat, the urge to react.
- Get curious instead of critical: what is this really about, and what story am I believing right now?
- Offer yourself the same kindness you would give a friend, then choose your response on purpose.
Done often enough, this rewires your defaults. The pause that felt effortful becomes automatic, and the reactions that used to run you slowly lose their grip.
There is good science underneath this. Researchers describe a small window — often less than a second — between a trigger and the automatic response that follows. Self-observation widens that window. Each time you notice, investigate with curiosity, and meet yourself with kindness, you strengthen the neural pathway for conscious choice and weaken the one for the old reaction. You are, quite literally, rehearsing a new default — not by becoming a calmer person overnight, but by catching one moment at a time, and treating each catch as a small win rather than proof of how far you still have to go.
Common questions
Isn't self-observation just overthinking?
No — overthinking means being lost inside your thoughts; self-observation means watching them from a slight distance. One spins you; the other steadies you.
How long before it makes a difference?
Many people feel a shift the first time they catch themselves mid-reaction. Making it a reliable default takes weeks of small, repeated practice — which is exactly what coaching is there to support.
Do I need a coach to do this?
You can start on your own with the steps above. A coach simply makes it faster and kinder — an outside eye helps you spot the patterns you are too close to see, and keeps you practising when the old autopilot tries to take back over.
Reach out. Our expert Coaches are here to support you. Coaching can help you break the cycle and progress towards a better life.
Let’s join hands and begin developing the practice of self-observation and mindful choice.
You can then pay attention to the positive changes in your life every time you step off your hamster wheel.
Big Love
DepthCoach Alicia